January 2000


The Ithaca Gerbil

U.S. Declares War on World

Speeding to combat unemployment, domestic unrest

The Assimilated Press

WASHINGTON-- The United States declared war on every other nation in the world today, thus putting an end to speculation as to which nation would become our next enemy.

A relaxed President Fabio announced simultaneous attacks on 40 major nations today (including parts of New York City and Los Angeles), upon 80 lesser nations tomorrow, and the rest this weekend.

He said, "Since the United States has always entered war for the noblest of pretexts and has nearly always won, and since it was becoming harder to justify further expansion of the military budget, the Joint Chiefs of Staff [Raytheon, Boeing, GC, Exxon] recommended this extraordinary step.

"It was only a matter of time until other nations conspired to attack us, since they envy Disneyland, Baywatch, and having things to eat. The best defense is an offense," he added.

Admiral Rachel Fossbinder explained that "Becoming the first truly global empire will secure us unlimited control of Mideast Oil, of all the gold we want, all the rare metals industry needs, and the cheap labor of everyone who survives. We hope the world surrenders rather than resists."

When asked whether there might have been a peaceful resolution to the crisis, Fossbinder said, "These nations would have gone to war with each other eventually anyway. We are just protecting them from one another. And we're going to create a billion new jobs in reconstruction and crowd control."

Mary Goose, mother of five young men, says, "I'm proud to send my boys off to kill and die for this cause. I'm 100% behind our president and flag."

The United Nations voted overwhelmingly to support the action.

Journalisms: The Ithaca Journal Goes to War